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Tessa Crab
The Machiavellian politician and after failed attempts to become Prime Minister or Mayor, she manages to become one due to the shock snap election results of Volume 27. Early Life Born in Oxford to the Crab, family, Tessa was the eldest out of four siblings, the others being Toby Crab, Iain Crab and Kristina Perez. Tessa from a young age was a control freak, always wanting power, to boss people about and use them to her own ends. Perfect qualities for someone desperate to be Prime Minister! Tessa soon finishing school decides to run for local government in Oxford before moving to Westminster where she perceived the action was happening. Known to be cut throat her reputation of being driven and to achieve power at any cost became known. She participated in the first season of The Job and she was even in the final along with Roger Davis, a man who during the process she became romantically entangled with and Jeffrey Carpenter. She ended up third with Jeffrey Carpenter winning the show, but having tasted power, making a rather lasting impression as the most memorable contestant in the shows history and rubbing shoulders with the Dontos family, this only provided fuel to her political ambitions. Having dumped Roger which she had mainly used for her own ends on the show for a brief moment she even adopted a black teenage daughter, naming her Teresa Crab, however getting bored of looking after her she soon dumped her off at an orphanage and continued on with her pursuit for power. The Tales of Grasmere Valley Novels The Tales of Grasmere Valley in Summertime Tessa moves to Grasmere Valley making a splash immediately in the political sphere now she is in the heart of political power in England as she is now in Grasmere Valley. She along with Dr Nathan Jones and Patrick Timber discover that Aggy Nickels left a vast estate to the town for them to use as they saw fit. She is among those who are deciding what to do with the money that Aggy Nickels following her death left the town at the Town Hall meeting. In the end it is decided that the entire town would go on a round the world cruise. Tessa Crab also devised the very lengthy and bizarre menu for everyone to have during the cruise. Volume 4 She is seen with Sam Bishop leading the discussion on what to do to stop the hooliganism that has resulted from the new University students soon after the University has opened. Among those in the meeting to solve the problem were Zar, Gary Robinson, James Dontos, Ralph Mason, Zar, Buck Felton and Daisy. She is also seen as part of the jury during Jack Strawberry's trial case he has to win in order to become a lawyer in the town which was about whether Marge stole the cookie from James Dontos jar. Volume 7 Tessa is seen at the hairdressers with a number of ladies who all had complaints about Mrs Taffy who they found overbearing, demanding and rude. True to form she comes in and demands everyone to do outrageous things for her. Daisy tells her some home truths that no one really likes her. Something which she doesn't think is the case and she thinks everyone loves her. Daisy says how true friends lay down their lives for their friends and shares the Gospel with her as a result. It seemed initially she understood what Daisy was saying. But in the end Mrs Taffy reverts back to her ways. Volume 8 She tries to run for Prime Minister with the Radical Party and Harvey Dontos as vice Prime Minister. However when Harvey understands that Tessa is manipulating him by pretending to be in love with him he quits and Tessa is forced to have Isaac to run with her as the vice Prime Minister. Due to her harsh treatment of Harvey, Harper Dontos appealed by her behaviour vows to ruin Tessa and Isaac's campaign opportunity which she manages to do when just before a key address, she is drugged as is Isaac and placed in hospital missing her big speech which could have got them the vote.She loses to Mr Gardiner and Julie much to everyone shock. Volume 10 She again runs for Prime Minister after Michael Novak is arrested for the great fire but loses again to Mr Logan. The election is rather a quiet affair unlike previous elections. However it is now revealed that Tessa Crab is now married to Isaac. She is seen at the emergency meeting made by Mr Logan and is among those who leads it as they are trying to find a way for Grasmere Valley to move on after the events of the Great Fire and the aftermath. In the end Quentin Smithe has an idea to have a games night which is accepted. She is among those at the Town Hall when the Mafia strike and the town have to figure out who it is before they take out the entire town. Tessa believes that Larry Lothario is among the Mafia and voted for him which due to him and Ted Fed getting the most votes were put to death for the crime even though they were innocent. In the end it turns out the entire town are playing the game Mafia. No one is hurt and everyone enjoyed the game. Volume 14 When her brother Iain and his wife Ellen Crab welcome Malcolm Crab into the world at the hospital in Grasmere Valley,Tessa came to the birth. However she demanded that the baby be named after her despite the baby being a boy due to the fact she saw him as carrying her political mantel. Thankfully the parents did not decide to take up on her advice. Volume 15 When Sam Bishop became the Prime Minister again after Mr Logan is arrested for his involvement in the attempted murder of Nia Mabel, she becomes vice Prime Minister. The Tales of Grasmere Valley and the Death of Daisy Tessa jumps on the chance that Daisy has passed away by taking over the funeral arrangements. Always looking for herself she turns the funeral to virtually a political rally with few mention of Daisy and instead with her leading it, songs rather than hymns promoting her to being the hope the country needs in politics much to the disgust of many. Soon enough however it turns out Tessa is alive and well much to Tessa shock and she is among those who get ran out of the town hall where the funeral was taking place and her reputation greatly dropped. Volume 17 When the town is need of £62 Million in for the town refurbishment which is in need of repairs, she and Sam Bishop decide to try and get a concert going to raise the money thinking with the government backing and big named celebrities that it will raise money. Nearly all the celebrities and people with talents they ask refuse to do it for various reasons however Darcy is the only one who accepts. On the day Tessa requests for Darcy to close her eyes throughout her performance to add authenticity to the performance. It seems to work as the crowd goes wild and a re throwing flowers at her. Darcy is elated. When Tessa and Darcy leave after the performance it is strangely quiet and Darcy wonders how everyone left so early. Tessa brushes it off but the truth is only Lona Surville for a penny came to the show and wanting Darcy to give the show so they could have that penny, they had her close her eyes and have the crowd cheering from back in the day when Darcy was a big star. Even after that only Tessa stayed to the end with Lona and Sam Bishop leaving half way through. When a shop burned down after Anfri Hubris let off wind, there was rumours that the shop would be made into Tess'a campaign headquarters. In the end however it was to be a bakery for Toby the Baker. Volume 18 Her wedding dress along that she wore on her wedding day along with, Carry Parker, Elle Robinson and Ellen Crab were taken by Josie Buxum to make one large dress for herself without any of their permissions. She is seen at Tracee Burghley's hen party which is catered to the upper female class of the town at Tracee's house. Volume 20 Tessa Crab is among those who is nominated at the 1st annual Grasmere Valley awards for matriarch of the town where she is beaten by Daisy. It is commented that Daisy beating Tessa Crab was very easy as no one saw her as a matriarch of anything! Volume 24 She is also desperate to have James Dontos job when he is gravely ill and she hopes to get the job of Mayor that he occupies. She tries to bribe an old flame of hers Roger Davies to obstruct any efforts to find a medical cure for James. She even tries to promise him a renewal of their relationship but he refuses. James Dontos death is announced by his son Ivan Dontos, this causes for Tessa who is rather gleeful about the whole situation, races to the town hall with her sister Kristina and husband Isaac. Kristina who had been a secretary for James Dontos and known how to fake his signatures goes to the town hall while the entire town not wanting Tessa to go in power goes after them. She is forced by Tessa to forge James's signature on a document saying that in the event of his death James wanted Tessa Crab to become Mayor. However this doesn't work when it turns out James is still alive and they announced his death just get the crowd away from the house which many had gathered round so that Jason Harrow could provide him with the cure. Volume 26 Isaac Crab ended up going with the cult the Fifth Way led by Brother Ezekiel. When a rescue mission is decided upon after Lois Star runs away from the cult and reveals what is happening. She is not bothered at all what happened to her husband and even when her husband ends up taking his life during the mass suicide after the cult is seized upon by those in Grasmere Valley she shows little care. Volume 27 Tessa's mourning for her husband until Pauline, rumuored to have had a relationship with Isaac, trying to hold the government account for what happened to Isaac that Tessa claims she mourns for her husband death and demands another election. During the snap election Sam Bishop has asked all the celebrities he knows for support with all of them rejected him and so reluctantly he goes to the eccentric billionaire PK Simmons for support whom he had once beat in a previous election. PK refuses unless Sam promises him money his projects otherwise he declares he'll destroy Sam. Sam points out he has loads of money for such projects but PK declares that he needs more. Soon reveals his plans are to create an alternative reality, his own chocolate factory, round the world car race championship, a cruise liner which could fit on the entire world on, a tower of babel to reach heaven, a piano that can move like a car, a never ending Enya concert, a class plane and a fire park. Sam is shocked but desperate he relents. PK does a video advert lending his support as he feels people will vote whatever he vote as he is still out of touch as to how connected he was to society. He mentions the plans he has if Sam Bishop wins but also declares that if he is voting for him everyone should to. This only worsens Sam's chances of winning the election With the snap election Tessa Crab manages to win the election much to Sam Bishop's shock. Volume 28 With her takeover the entire town are in shock and soon the likes of Nigel Crump views her as an enemy of Christians. During her reign thus far already Christians have end up being banned from the University of Grasmere Valley. Since her taking power Christians have been seeing so much more discrimination than they had beforehand. Volume 29 It is revealed that due to Tessa being in charge that the known and ardent atheist Jonathan Paine ended up in her cabinet which allowed him to spread his atheism. He is also known to be almost as desperate to gain political power than Tessa Crab. She also allowed him to produce a show with Voilare as host called NO GOD - GET USED TO IT and made it mandatory for every station and streaming service on Thursday at 7pm to air the programme which looked to spread atheism and 'enlighten' everyone. Volume 30 She is among those in charge of planning the celebration for the Thousand Years of Grasmere Valley's founding. However the event which was to be celebrated by a picnic in a park and fireworks nearly ends in disaster much to Tessa dismay! Volume 32 She is among those appalled at Mrs Campbell's presence in the town and the havoc that her presence had caused. She had become such a nuisance that Tessa was calling other nations for help as it seemed Mrds Campbell's presence was becoming a national and even an international situation. Volume 33 Kristina gives her news that her opinions polls were at its lowest. It is so low that the convicted murderer Ryan Decony according to polls had more popularity than Tessa Crab and more of a chance to win the next election. When her Vice Prime Minister Tristian Truenoe and his wife Hailee Truenoe come in and say in passing she needed a crisis to get her opinion polls up, she decided to invent a crisis of her own just to get her ratings up by sorting the situation. When Gail Blazers comes in with the news of the hostage situation in the Midwoodcote business complex Tessa is seen rejoicing as she has the crisis much to everyone's horror. Knowing British law that a election can't be called during war time she vows to use the situation to blame many countries of the attack and plunge the country into war just so she can maintain power and come out victorious at the end of it! The terrorist threat is taken place with Zeba but Tessa Crab ends up in the business block wanting to make sure things are going to plan. What ends up happening is Hailee Truenoe causes for her lover Russell Hopkins to trip over him and collide with the button that will ensure the business block will blow up which had been the job of Mr Love but he was talked out of it with the help of Catherine Lorna. Tessa realises what Hailee about to do with a phone call of her saying bye. She as do Kirkie Kirkland, Robin Cross and Zeba who are the only ones left scramble to get out but then the building blows up. Zeba, Robin and Kirkie are known to be okay however Tessa Crab body cannot be found. Volume 34 It is revealed however that Barbara Novak had buried Tessa Crab, Drew Jane and Adrian Fuller alive as payback to the town for not releasing her new husband Michael Novak. The DVD that everyone has different opinions about what is on it shows the fact they are buried alive and the town have to rush around to try and find them before it is too late. Volume 35 Tessa being buried alive is referenced in the beginning of the Volume. She is mentioned when George Perez, the town banker is talked about as it is explained he is her brother-in-law. Despite such a connection and him being a banker, he is still rather well liked. Tessa is referenced when Mrs Bath attempt to become mayor and takeover James Dontos position by using the 'Great Divorce' situation between Ruth Ogden and Dr John Ogden. It is commented that during her speech showing her support for Ruth the wronged woman that her opportunism was similar to that Tessa's when she used the Fifth Way Cult mass suicide to become Prime Minister. Whereas Tessa succeeded Mrs Bath failed. The Tales of Grasmere Valley Comics #4 The One About a Bank Robbery That Goes Wrong #4 Tale of Zeba Tessa Crab is among those in the bank when Zeba holds the bank hostage wanting money from it. However Zeba is knocked out to space by the great force of Marge managing to save the day. #5-7 +11 The Affair #5 Tale of Chris Marquis Tessa has been dating Chris Marquis but due to her political involvement and other commitments Chris has often to spend time alone rather than with Tessa who seems to busy for him. Chris wants Tessa to make a decision between the job of being a politician or being in a relationship and getting married to Chris. She rejects him flat saying he is a loser and prefers her job but also says the two could never marry. This is due to the fact Tessa is already married to Isaac who comes into the restaurant when this conversation happens and shouts at Chris what he is doing with Tessa. #6 Tale of Isaac Crab Isaac demands a fight with Chris Marquis for him being with his wife even though he had no clue Tessa was married. She among others watch this ring side match until Daisy nearly being attacked by Isaac, missing Chris entirely takes matters into her own hands and throws him out of the ring. #7 Tale of Clarissa Tessa goes to have meeting with Isaac to work on their marriage and gets Clarissa to look after her house while she is gone. Clarissa takes the opportunity to have a house party with some of her friends. Tessa comes back early than expected as the meeting is now tomorrow causing everyone not supposed to be there to hide in Tessa Crab's hot tub. When Tessa goes into the hot tub she gets a horrid shock when everyone at the party is hiding in there as well. #11 Tale of Jill Hickey Tessa reveals she is having a press conference to reveal the state of marriage with Isaac. Jill Hickey reporting on the matter is told to get a good story. Tessa at the press conference that everyone is talking about reveals she is still with Isaac, which Jill wants to report but Madame Neptune gets very angry at Jill that they are still together wanting corruption and anything bad on the front page. #12-13, 15-17 My Heart Will Go On #17 Tale of Kitty Brownstone While Tessa and Isaac are having dinner at La Vista Restaurant, clearly having patched things up Kitty Brownstone who keeps boasting that she is out ops prison and no one can catch her pops up at their dinner table boasting. Isaac sees this and is confused why she is there. #30-32 A Political Pawn #32 Tale of Lena Adam When Lena Adam provides a lengthy parade at the hairdressers to provide a distraction for Vico Rodriquez and Matta Rodriquez to not take Juan Caldino away from Marianne Caldino and Ric Caldino, the three end up hiding in Tessa Crab's hot tub which seems to be a recurring theme for her. She is not too happy to find them there when she tries to go in it again. # 50 50 ISSUES!!!! #50 Tale of 50 She is among those celebrating the 50th issue of the comics by dancing to Taylor Swift's Shake it Off. #58-62 Who Done it This Time? #58 Tale of Jessica Warren Tessa Crab is throwing a party at her house with the likes of PJ Simmons, Rhema Spencer, Taran Bando, Sue Anne Mackey, Roger Hardcastle and Terri Magnus present. She gets the shock of her life when mystery writer Jessica Warren arrives as everywhere Jessica goes death seems to follow her. They try to not let her in but it is no use and that night someone indeed is murdered. #59 Tale of Taran Bando Taran Bando is murdered and Tessa is one of the suspects in the case. She is seen thinking that Taran is very annoying talking over everyone in the cinema and results this down to his race having a stereotypical view of black people in movie theatres. #61 Tale of J. Peck J. Peck goes into the flower shop with all the suspects Tessa being among them and announce he knows the killer of Taran Bando but will tell the police tomorrow. He hints heavily he will be at his house and hope no one will kill him. However J Peck doesn't really know who the killer is but wants to trap the killer by getting them come and so they can show their guilt. #62 Tale of Jimmy The killer is revealed to be Rhema Spencer who falls for J. Peck's trap as she reveals she plan to do murder Taran for being annoying at the cinema, the same screening Tessa was at and that she used Tessa Crab's party to commit the crime. Tessa is not seen in issue but is mentioned due to her hosting the party. #66 Happy 1 Year Anniversary #66 Tale of Over a Year She is seen shouting at Charlie Sheen who is in her hot tub talking about how much he likes the comics. She is getting fed up of everyone hiding in her hot tub. #75 + 77 Election #75 Tale of The Elections She is seen campaigning to become the next Prime Minister. During the campaign speech she announces it's no secret she wants the job and is thankful for the support. However no one is cheering for her and everyone is booing her. #89-93 What’s The Scoop on Mrs Goop? #91 Tale of Margo Moonbeam Tessa has a meeting with the town to try and figure out where Mrs Goop has gone. No one exactly knows but everyone has a theory. It turns out however Mrs Goop is at Tessa Crab's house hanging out with Greasy Grimes unexpectedly who is using Tessa Crab's hot tub to try and get away from all the scrutiny. #96-100 What Christmas Means #97 Tale of Abdul McGray After having a town hall meeting with her and James Dontos preceding over whether to ban Christmas or not, with no argument placed for it to remain as the hall was packed with anti-Christmas people, Tessa declares that it would be banned and anyone celebrating it would be placed in prison. #105 Two Years!! #105 Tale of Two Years Tessa Crab declares her great frustration with the comics as ever since they have been running, everyone's been jumping in her hot tube. She declares she is going fed to the birds the next person she finds in it, not releasing there's a bunch of people behind her using it at that moment. #106 I WANT A STATUTE #106 Tale of Isabelle Romford Tessa is seen at the meeting when Isabelle Romford declares she wants a Statue in Grasmere Valley. Tessa is not exactly pleased about this nor is James Dontos who is also at this meeting. #107-110 Earthquake #110 Tale of Michelle Glatt Tessa insensitive reveals the 'winner' out of those who were mistaken to be dead from the Earthquake as it turns out to be Julian Jules. #118-#119 Marathonwoman #118 Tale of Jill Jenkins Tessa is listed as among those running in the Marathon. The Devon Show Season 5 Episode 1 Wake With her husband dying in the Fifth Way Cult mass suicide she is seen at the wake and wants to see Sam Bishop overthrown as Prime Minister. Something which seen in the novels she manages to accomplishes by capitalising on the situation. Episode 4 Olympics While the Prescot gang along with Kate Carey and Tessa Crab who has recently appointed as Prime Minister are watching the Oympics in Rio and are watching Nanny Prescot's niece Sabina Hatching who is doing Rhythmic Gymnastic much to everyone's shock Ryan Carey turns up in Rio representing English to do Rhythmic Gymnastics. Kate is embarrassed as is Tessa Crab who is worried he might embarrass the entire country. However much to everyone's shock, Ryan won the gold beating the hedonistic Lewis Louis and the former reigning champion Ken the Eagle. At the end both Ryan and Sabina who won in the female rhythm gymnastics, they get their own mini parade. Season 6 Episode 5 Poor-Little Rich Girl Mrs Holland and Tessa Crab are in charge of the entire town welcoming Beverly Arygll, the rich socialite from the Argyll family dubbed as the Poor-Little Rich Girl. Famous world-wide, it turns out she is on the look out for a husband in Grasmere Valley. The town ended up going crazy over Beverly with many men falling on her feet to get her hand in marriage which causes for the greeting to be botched. Mrs Holland and Tessa Crab lectures all those who ruined the greeting. However it turned out that Beverly was not fazed as she was still out to get married and wants to get married to the well beloved English footballer Dutch Holland. Mrs Holland and Tessa Crab are desperate for him to marry Dutch so Grasmere Valley may have a link to Beverly Argyll and the Arygll family. Mrs Holland in particular wants to clime up the social ladder. However Dutch refuses and Beverly turns her attention to the reality star Chris Kemly. Yet again Mrs Holland and Tessa are hopeful that he may accept too, but he doesn't. This causes Beverly to start crying and saying how she hates the town. Mrs Holland and Tessa try to do their best to appease her but it's too late and she leaves without getting engaged.